this brand new episode of corner gas is brought to you by cheez whiz.
cheez whiz -- add personality!
i'm impressed. words fail me. according to the laws of probabilities, the chances of finding a soulmate, the one and only perfect match in a single lifetime, are very near impossible.
rejoice, friends, because the miracle has happened once again before your skeptical eyes.. and this time, the honours go to canadian primetime programming. the television production which, year after year, succeeds in staying the most mediocre, bland, and irritatingly inane piece of garbage still on the air has managed to find a sponsor which meets every one of these criteria, and they're also both ironically devoid of personality despite what their jazzy slogan would have you swallow.
for those who have not yet experienced the soulsucking, car crash-like unpleasantness of sitting through even a few seconds of corner gas, let me try to break it down for you. this, according to very reliable sources, is a behind-the-scenes look at the step-by-step production manual which was followed in its entirety and led to the birth of this unmatched opus. let's read on!
- take a few underachieving, borderline retarded unemployed stand-up "comedians" from regina and/or saskatoon.
- sit them in a room with shiny objects & free mountain dew so they can focus for just long enough to create twenty-three minutes of offensively banal, vomit-inducing minutia about a gaggle of complete losers in the middle of nowhere and their shitty lives centered around a gas station.
- then, find a network executive with chrome-plated balls to stamp this mountain of swine refuse with the words "sitcom script".
- after that, thumb through your local white pages, stopping and pointing randomly to find a few nobodies who would express the desire to star in, well, anything.
- widen your scope to local down's syndrome day activity centres and grab your superstar! your leading man, your champion!
- get a camera, a few spotlights, a cheap prairie setting, and an equally vile sponsor.
YOU DID IT. IT'S CORNER GAS.
what will the script look like? nothing could matter less, since any living organism with a semblance of brain matter will have turned their televisions the fuck off after thirteen seconds.
cheez whiz & corner gas. together at last. did i mention 1.5 million canadian viewers tune in every week for this? where's my vicodin. (& before the "lolz canadians" comments start sneaking in, make sure you guys remember NASCAR & creationism first.)